Be Over Already!

At this point, I just want 2010 to be over.

This is the year that has been such a mess for my family, particularly my mother. First the cancer diagnosis and the seemingly unending turmoil that brings, and then her mother's death (my grandma) all tied up into one. This morning, my mom received additional devastating news to add to the already torturous year.

Her best friend in the entire world passed away unexpectedly late last night.

They'd started out as co-workers, then lunch buddies, then somewhere along the way became dear friends. Even after Betty's retirement they continued to meet at least once a week for lunch. I finally had the pleasure of meeting Betty in person during my mother's cancer surgery and convalescence. I'm so sad it took so long and such tragic circumstances to finally have the opportunity to meet someone who meant so much to my mother.

And now she's gone.

Mom's concerned about the family and how they will manage with Betty gone. Rightfully so. She was the stalwart matriarch of the family - much like my mother is of ours. When I spoke to Mom this morning on the phone, she sounded a little shell-shocked. I kinda feel the same way for her.

Which is one reason I'm so ready to say a bitter farewell to 2010. May it rot in infamy.

Rumblings and Ramblings

My dear readers - it has been entirely too long!

Yes, I'm trying to get back into the writing saddle after a very tumultuous year. This post will be a brief update on where things stand in the rumblings and ramblings of 2010.

We just returned from spending a relaxing Labor Day weekend with Mom and Dad. Mom is enjoying retirement, getting her strength back, and also getting her hair back. The hair is coming in thick and is about a half-inch long. There also seems to be alot more pepper mixed in with the salt. :-)

Before leaving to come back home this afternoon, Mom and I also tried a jaunt around their town's walking paths. Shortly after getting some strength back after her last chemo treatment in June, Mom and I attempted a short walk around the block from their house. She barely made it back to the house before her legs gave out. Today we walked a mile or two with a few brief pauses along the way. It's really good to see her getting back to her old self. It reminded me of the walks she and I used to take together around town as I got older and before moving away.

My schooling is going well and I'm looking forward to finishing up in the spring and getting my feet back in the working saddle. Can hardly wait to open my own business someday after getting a couple of years under the belt.

Speaking of school, my son started his senior year of high school - oh my gosh! So far, it seems to be going very well. He had a physics test and only missed one, and his last chemistry test he scored a 100%. Even with his heavy schedule this year, he seems to be taking it in stride and getting his academic "feet" underneath him. None too soon!

So we're looking forward to the joys of senior year'itis. Thus far it is looking good.

Now if only I can get my life in order after getting everyone else's taken care of. :-)

Summertime in Season

The summertime season is officially in full swing.

This past weekend we had alot of fun with the family down in Oklahoma. Sunday evening we weren't even halfway home and my son was busy on his phone, texting his friends to see who wanted to come and hang out overnight. Ben was the luck of the draw.

So Monday afternoon Ben's brother, Will, comes over to pick him up and they decide to have another sleepover. I'm still not sure if it is supposed to be my son, Will AND Ben or just my son and Will. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

This evening my son invited his long-time buddy, Andrew, to come over. Suffice it to say, he's going to be sleeping over tonight too.

Though not to be outdone, Marcus showed up a bit ago and the three of them are in the family room tearing through some video game with "The Prestige" to watch later.

I went for a walk.

There's something absolutely wonderful about a late night walk in the summer, with the stars twinkling in the blackened sky, the wind whispering in the trees like the secrets of a best friend, and the hush after a busy day. I feel closer to God in those moments.

But then I get back home to the chaos of three teenaged guys playing shoot 'em-up on the Wii.

Yes, summertime has begun.

The Dreaded "D" Word

Divorce

Such a terrible word. Such terrible wounds fanning out like a spider's web, touching more than the two parties involved.

Just this week I learned of two separate couples who find themselves in the throes of divorce proceedings. One divorce involves no children, while the other has two very young souls enmeshed in the chaos. Even though the first couple have no children there are still parents, other relatives, and friends that are affected forever by the division.

I remember when a sister went through a divorce and we struggled as a family to divide ourselves from him and his family out of loyalty to my sister. Friendships that involved both my sister and her former husband were stretched thin between the two. Eventually a side won the friendship battle. Even so, everyone still lost in the end.

When I suffered through my own divorce, even in the freedom there was extended pain. My mother-in-law was very dear to me, but now I've neither seen nor spoken to her in eighteen years. My mother and my ex's older sister were friends and taught Sunday School together in their church. Now they only speak to each other when necessary. There's that family loyalty to consider.

Having been through it all, I understand first-hand why God hates divorce. It tears into the very heart and soul of humanity - after all, God is about relationship. It's why He created us in the first place. Even in that perfect garden, God saw that humans needed other humans even though we eventually screwed up His perfection.

I know the legalists preach no divorce and no divorce/remarriage. I understand where they are coming from - I used to be one of them. But now that I see scripture from the side of having lived through the painful web of divorce and it's aftermath, I think I understand the deeper heart of what Christ was trying to get across to humanity two-thousand years ago.

There are never any winners, only losers when it comes to divorce. Relationships are shattered and most times irreparable, and God sees hurt upon hurt heaped upon humanity.

Which is why He hates that dreaded "D" word so much.

Because in many ways divorce equals death.

Peace and Quiet - Rumbles to Follow

Rain is falling softly outside under an overcast sky. The wind whispers through the trees, the morning quiet and undisturbed.

But my son and his friends will soon wake and the morning quiet will be followed by eruptions of rambunctious teenaged boys.

And I thought they were pretty crazy when they were kids!

Since my son didn't have to work last night, he invited friends over to the house once again. There have been few weekends where we've been home without a schedule for many long months now, so he's taking full advantage of it. Later today they're going to go out and see the new Robin Hood movie starring Russell Crowe.

Haven't they remade that tale enough by now????

I'm glad though that he's having a chance to reconnect with friends outside of school. We've been on the move so much that he's had little opportunity of late. It's something I need to take advantage of too and learn from his example.

Last night I received a call from a dear friend of mine that I haven't talked to much in a long time. She and I have missed running into each other most of the few Sundays I've been at my own church since January. Last weekend we were actually in town because of my son's prom, but then she was away to spend the day with her parents for Mother's Day.

Go figure.

It was so nice to reconnect with her. I haven't realized how much I've missed my close friendships until that call. We updated each other on our lives. She asked about Mom, and I asked about her Marine son, his wife and granddaughter. Sometimes it is so hard for me to believe that she's a grandma.

Grandmotherhood will be fun someday myself, though I'd like to put it off until my son has at least finished college. :-) I only hope I've taught him well enough from the error of my own ways.

In the meantime, it sounds like the boys are stirring from slumber now that it is almost 12:45. And now the quietness of the morning gives way to the rumbles of the afternoon.

Or was that thunder?

Now or Never

Life can be so interesting sometimes. With everything that has transpired in the past several months, I'm getting ready to do something I never thought I'd do at this stage in my life.

I'm going back to school.

When I was younger, my parents owned a little fast-food joint in the small town where we grew up. That entrepreneurial bug bit me back then (even though I never wanted to work in the food industry again) and has always been there in the back of my mind since - nagging away like a bitter old woman.

So I'm going back to school to garner some additional skills and open my own business.

With my many years in the banking and finance industry, I've gained a wealth of knowledge and skills that will translate to any industry - leadership, management, financing, tangible equity, spreadsheets, P&L's, and (my favorite) employee development. Many people go into business very knowledgeable in their field but without these basic elements of finance and management to help them succeed. This is a death knell for any small business owner.

So many new business owners only look at the income without focusing needed attention on the bottom line. They pull the equity out of their business for their personal needs without leaving that necessary element in the business to build it for the future. They think once they start their business that they'll become wealthy and can relax and live a life of leisure while the peons take care of running the business. Wrong-o!

Being a small business owner means you are the first one in and the last to leave - plus you take it home and work on it every single night. You're constantly researching to stay ahead of the curve and keep up with the latest industry trends. People have short attention spans and you must keep finding inventive ways to make them come back for more. Ownership is not an 8-5, 40 hours a week event. It is a marriage, 24-7.

I remember how my mom would open the restaurant and my dad would close it (after he got in from his teaching job). My mom was a teacher at one time too but they quickly learned that they had to have someone onsite at all times, so Mom gave up her position to focus on the business. Even after closing, they'd count up the money and do the books during the late-night newscast. Anytime we tried taking a vacation, ultimately we'd end up cutting it short and rushing home because of some emergency or mechanical failure.

One time we were in Florida for a long-term family vacation, the first we'd taken in many years so far from home. My dad ended up having to fly back home to take care of a massive mechanical failure and then fly back to Florida for the drive home. The potential income lost was greater than the expense of a last minute ticket.

So here I find myself, on the threshold of headaches, heartburn, and pocketbook failure potential. But if I don't do this now I may never have said opportunity again. Reward never comes without a measure of risk.

Mom's taught me that.

The Cancer Journey

I've been giving more thought of late to the idea of moving forward with writing a book about my mom's cancer journey.

It's been quite interesting seeing the emotional roller coaster my mom has ridden on (along with a few of us standing by her side). In the beginning was fear of the unknown, the questionable mammogram, the emergency sonogram, the rushed biopsy.

The results.

Then came the inconsolable terror of the diagnosis, the sense of unreality, how this could be happening. Those days were such a blur, no sleep, constant worry, fear of the known and how to comprehend it all. Mom and Dad could hardly function and it took an army of us to band together to make sure we got to all of the appointments and scans, pre-op blood work and heart monitoring accomplished.

Before acceptance had much of a chance to take hold, Grandma passed away, further complicating an already emotional situation and weaving loss upon loss through all our hearts. It almost seemed like too much at the time.

Eventually a tentative acceptance hovered over her as Mom placed herself firmly in God's hands, so confused, so scared, but secure in the loving hands of the Father. Surgery came and she experienced loss of the breast, still intermingled with the loss of her mother, and we all grieved.

But grieving can be healing too.

She experienced the high of being free of detectable cancer cells in any lymph nodes but faced the reality of coming chemo treatments. Fear permeated again, but acceptance of the path laid before her came shortly upon its heels.

The first chemo treatment was a fright-filled event again, but each successive treatment has revealed a resiliency she probably didn't know she had. Once again, loss was experienced - this time her hair - but grieving and acceptance quickly moved her through those stages.

With the fourth chemo treatment, I was able to be present with her and saw a miraculous change in Mom's attitude. She walked into the facility like it was any other day, had all of her papers in tow, greeted everyone with a smile and got down to business without any assistance from anyone else. Then she picked out her chair and the day began.

What a change from the beginning stages of this journey!

Even though I know Mom doesn't like the chemo treatments and after effects, she knows their purpose, accepts what comes - but she also knows that this too shall pass and she'll be back on the road to better health and living life again very soon. Her attitude has become infectious and is an inspiration to everyone who comes in contact with her.

After all, she's only got two more chemo treatments left and then she'll be done. We're all wondering what her hair will look like once it starts to come back in.

And then where the next part of her journey will lead.

Prom 2010

My baby boy is growing up so fast.

Last night was his junior prom. Fortunately he had a really good time, but it almost was an absolute disaster.

During his choir trip to Chicago, he and another girl became friends - only friends but such that he asked her a few weeks later to go to prom with him. He had this really elaborate plan with which to ask her - so it was a good thing she said "yes".

At least I thought so at the time.

This past week, right before prom, his date backed out on him. She claimed to have gone with a friend the year before - only as friends - and that it had turned out rather disastrous. Her excuse was that she didn't want to repeat the same mistake. Personally, I think someone else asked her and she really wanted to go with him.

Only problem - she'd already said yes. Plus we're talking my son, who is not some whack-job waiting to get a girl alone on prom night. At least that isn't the way he was raised. My son and I were up Friday night until almost midnight talking about it all. But he was going to go ahead and go and walk the red carpet alone.

I went to bed Friday night completely broken hearted. You can mess with me all day long, but you mess with my son and I will NOT be held responsible for the ire your stupidity raises. I learned a long time ago that there is a raging momma bear inside me and would probably be capable of murder if you mess with my cub.

Or at least a severe roughing up and dressing down. Hopefully neither you nor I will ever have to find out.

Saturday morning he seemed better, but I stewed all day. Talked to a dear friend of mine later in the day about the situation. Her daughter graduated from the same high school a couple of years before and attends a local college. She piped up that she'd go with him if he wanted. That was the needed lift to my son's ego. What high school junior wouldn't love to escort an "older" woman to his high school prom?

I think I was even more excited for him than he was. Needless to say, he created a bit of a fuss with a hot (but so sweet) woman on his arm last night. Several people remembered her from a few years before and couldn't believe that she was with my son.

Right now I'm so proud of both of them - she for giving up an evening for a wounded young man, and he for accepting the offered olive leaf of friendship that was the salve he needed at just the right time.

Needless to say he had a crowd of guys talking to him at church today. Imagine there may be a few more come Monday morning.

How he handles the accolades will go a long way in teaching him what it means to be a true gentleman.

Descriptive Titles and Odd Writings

It's so odd.

This afternoon I spent some time looking at a few of my old blog posts, trying to remember what life was like before Mom's cancer and imagining what life will be once she's through this. What will the new "normal" be? It was a shock to realize that as of yesterday's posting, I've only had six total posts for all of 2010.

I used to post six times in one week!

Feeling terribly nostalgic about my writing tonight.

Part of it probably is because we had an old friend come to town this weekend, and our critique group members met with him for an early dinner Saturday evening. What fun! He asked if I'd been writing and got onto me when I told him no. But with having to prove myself all over again in a new position with a new firm, then my mom's diagnosis, my grandmother's death, and having no time much to even spend with my son, where was I going to dig up a few hours a night to do some writing?

But he's right. Digging into characters and bringing them to life on the pages of a good story idea gives my life such spark and energy - something I've been sorely lacking for about eight months now.

For the last three months, I've even given thought to writing a book about my mother's cancer journey. However, it's all been so fresh and raw of late and my mind has been engaged with just helping somehow to get her through each week that I don't know if I have it in me to wrap my mind around it enough to craft something interesting of it all right now.

Perhaps sometime down the road. Maybe a title like "When It Rains It Pours" or "Riding the Raging River Over the Torrential Waterfall Without a Paddle" (okay, maybe that one is a little too long, but VERY descriptive and rather appropriate too)...or maybe "Cancer - a Daughter's Journey Alongside Her Mother".

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Life's Joys and Sorrows

My fellow readers - it has been too long. Glad to be getting back into the writing saddle, though I must admit I'm still not sure how regular I'll be.

Mom had her surgery the 27th of January. I was blessed to be able to spend the entire week with her to assist with recovery efforts. She's now in the full throes of chemo, has lost her hair, and after this third treatment recently is experiencing the fatigue we've only read about in other venues. Never thought I'd be so well versed in breast cancer and its various treatment regimens. Not sure I like being so, but I know it helps Mom with facing the unfaceable.

But life goes on and in a matter of months we'll have this phase behind her.

My son is nearing the end of his junior year in high school and decided that he was going to go to prom. I was thrilled to hear of it - he even asked a friend to go as his date and she accepted. For the last two weeks I've been bugging him to check with her on the color of her dress. Guys just don't understand that concept but I'm trying to give him little insights into the female psyche if he'll just pay attention.

So glory be, he asked her the color on Friday, just in time for his tux measurements and ordering today. He's going to be wearing this really neat style of tux with a black shirt and turquoise vest and tie. Pretty studly if you ask me - but then again, I'm only mom and he doesn't really ask me for that kind of input.

But as mom I offer it anyway. It's my prerogative (hey, isn't that a song?).

I also asked him if he thought they might enjoy my chauffeuring them to the red carpet in the RX.

What's that, you ask? Oh yes, that's right. With everything that's been going on of late I've never shared with you my Christmas present to myself.

Christmas Eve 2009, during the biggest snowstorm of the year, I bought myself a big bad new car.

Well it's not big but it sure is bad - velocity red, six-speed, suicide doors 2009 Mazda RX-8! That twin-rotor motor purrs more the harder you push the revs. We're talking it doesn't redline until 9,000 rpm's. Such a blast to drive! Just wish I had somewhere I could go and open her up full throttle without worrying about getting picked up by a policeman.

Hey, the insurance on the thing is bad enough already - certainly don't need to increase it with a ticket on my record. But I just can't help myself sometimes by pushing the envelope a little bit. Sure makes the drive to and from work alot of fun these days. With the driving back and forth to Oklahoma I've already racked up over nine thousand miles. I'd say she's just about broke-in.

So now my son has the old Protege to drive to and from school and pick up his date for prom. Feels a little weird at times, knowing my son is old enough to drive, not to mention date. Ugh!

But growing up is a part of life. I'm so glad he's participating in it and all the joys it can bring.

And sorrows - but joy comes once again in the morning. It'll come again for you too, Momma, and we can celebrate that time with you.