Stunning Shock

There's been a stunning development in my personal life just a few moments ago, yet I'm not so sure how to feel about it.

Literally - I'm just stunned right now.

My son has been with his dad this weekend and I've spent some time with friends and having friends over (thus the reason for no posts). Church service this morning was fantastic in our new split format. Great weekend overall.

Returned home from church just a few minutes ago and opened my computer to check my messages before I have to go pick up my son this afternoon. Low and behold there was an unexpected shocker sitting in my inbox.

My old friend, with whom I haven't spoken in nearly ten years, found me through Facebook and left me a message.

This was the dear friend who was like a sister to me - more than a sister because we were dear to each other by choice not blood. We stuck with each other through high school, college, marriage then divorce, children and her remarriage. We saw the highest of highs and lowest of lows that life could bring and knew we'd make it through anything because we had each other. We knew the best and worst of each other and still remained fast friends.

I like to call it "bosom friends" from Anne of Green Gables.

But she's the one who betrayed me ten years ago. This is the friend that I thought would always be there. Then one fateful day it fell away and I felt as though my flesh had been stripped away with it. The pain was raw and with me through torturous years.

Since then, God has blessed me with wonderful new friends and a new view of life and of Him.

But I never forgot about my friend. I always wondered what had happened to her and if her husband stuck with her through her worst. Her children were nearly like my own, and I've wondered often what has happened to them and how they've done without their "Aunt Niecie". I know my son had a hole in his heart too without them around.

It's good to know she's still alive and kicking, but I don't know how to feel about this contact after so long. It brings before me old wounds - healed wounds, but the scars remain. I'm not sure I'd even open this door again. She's never apologized and I'd like to receive that, but attempt a friendship with her again?

I don't think so.

How do you learn to trust again when someone has hurt you so deeply? Forgiveness is freely given, but trust has to be earned back. Do I even allow her an opportunity to try?

I don't think I'm strong enough for that.

Then again - God has shown me a strength in myself I NEVER thought I had (my own family will attest to this).

For now I need time - plenty and lots of time - to sort through the shock and think about this before doing anything.

I at least owe it to my son - he lived through hell and came back right along with me. Whatever choice I make affects him and will establish a huge pattern for how to live life.

The ramifications here are enormous in so many respects.

I think I need to quit rambling now. Must be the shock wearing off.