Teaching the Old Dog

I have a difficult time accepting help.

It isn't that the offers aren't appreciated - sometimes just the thought means more to me than anyone will ever know. No, the problem is in my head.

Too many times in the past, I've had offers from people to buy me things, help me fix things, go with me places, etc., etc., etc. So many times these offers came at very crucial junctures when the need was greatest. Almost every single time it came with a caveat. Maybe the caveat wasn't mentioned up front, but the bill would eventually come due later. It seems few people ever do anything for you without expecting something in return. Part of our society, I suppose. Perhaps just the kind of people I knew at the time. I'll never quite understand it.

Therefore for much of my adult life, I have made a point of making sure that, no matter what, I would be the one taking care of myself and my son without intervention from anybody. I've learned how to manage all sorts of things. I've become Ms. Fix-It around my house. I even can proudly say that I reroofed my previous home. Chalk that one up on my resume. I'll always hire it out if ever it needs done again though. Even so, I'll be certain to pay for services rendered at the time of service and ensure the cost is understood up front even if the service is offered free of charge. Thank you very much, but no thank you.

A few years ago I had a friend of mine chastise me for this attitude. You see, I love to do things for people, treat them to lunch, give them special gifts, invite them to elaborate dinner parties, all at my own expense without ever expecting anything in return. It is just something I thoroughly enjoy doing. But this friend pointed out to me that I NEVER let anyone do anything like that for me. She reminded me of how much joy it gives me to give to others, but said I take that potential joy away from others by not letting them do the same for me. Ouch!

Last night I received an incredible offer from a dear friend of mine. I've known him for more than eight years, one of the few men I actually trust. He offered to help pay for my son's choir trip to Europe next summer (see Wednesday's post). I can't tell you how much that meant to me. I can't tell you how much that frightened me.

After waving his offer aside, I stopped for just a moment. This is a man I trust. This is a man who shares my pride in the invitation my son received. My friend's words from several years ago rushed through my thoughts. I took a deep breath then told him I would hold it in the back of my mind and think about it - a massive step for me.

Not sure what I'll do with that thought right now. That's okay. I've got lots of time to consider it. Guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.