Oh My Gosh!

Oh my gosh! I've just done something so ridiculous.

I tried out this evening for a role in our big church Christmas production.

My church is very large and puts on Christmas and/or Easter pageants every year. They're huge affairs with live animals, enormous casts, beautiful songs, etc. This year they're putting on a different type of production. It is going to be more of a play with songs thrown in. It will be set during the 1940's - the day after Pearl Harbor. One half of the stage will be a radio station while the other half will be a home setting listening to the radio for updates.

I love that era. I've spent so many years studying so many aspects of the various theatres of WWII, the lead-up to the war, the holocaust, how a man like Hitler could gain power and keep it. The music during that time was incredible, the big bands, swing dancing, crooners, etc. When I heard about it, I wanted so badly to try out.

Only problem - my voice is still so unreliable. I never know from one day to the next what capacity I'll have. Heck, sometimes it goes from bad to worse all in one day, even a matter of a few hours. And I even thought about doing a speaking AND singing part?

Yeah, right.

My heart was aching to be a part of this. Before the difficulties, I was so heavily involved in theatrical and musical productions. It's where my heart truly lies, truth be told. But I knew it was ridiculous to even think about, much less actually try out. Even on a good day, my voice just isn't strong, can run down and wear out so quickly. How in the world could I deal with rehearsals, speaking and musical numbers after talking all day at work.

It's crazy. No way. Not going to happen.

And yet on Sunday, who came up behind me but Ruth, a dear woman who has managed the drama department almost as long as I'd been previously singing and involved in the productions. She just "non-chalantly" mentioned that they were having tryouts the next few days. They needed singers and people who could act - and of course I could act.

Sucker me - I went ahead and said I'd think about it. Figured there would be no audition slots open anyway since it had been up for two weeks. I work just down the street from the church, so running by right after work would be the most ideal, but no way a slot would be available in that time frame and I certainly wasn't going to drive all the way home to turn around and drive all the way back for a tryout that would be almost certain disaster.

No slots were open for Tuesday night. That left only Monday night. The only slot available was 5:15.

I wrote in my name.

Crazy, I know. Insane even, but I did it anyway.

I had to have a song prepared. Something festive and croony to fit the era. Oh gee, about the only thing I came across that sounded even halfway decent was "Home for the Holidays" from my old Christmas piano book. Decided to do it acappella.

Not bad - not great but not bad. I can still croon a little bit in my chest voice.

Then Ruth had me read a piece of the lead role. What, is she nuts??? She explained the setting, the day after Pearl Harbor and the family was gathered around the radio, unable to tear themselves away. The character knew her husband would be called up into battle shortly. Then Ruth told me to think of how it felt right after 9/11, the shellshocked feeling, the sense of unreality as the towers fell.

I took a moment to read through it, to absorb - to remember.

I didn't even make it all the way through the reading before I broke down in tears. Had to compose myself for a moment and then start again. I'd recently started a new book specifically dealing with Pearl Harbor. It seemed all too real to me in that moment.

Of course I felt like a blooming idiot too. But then Ruth scared me - she couldn't possibly be considering me for such a role. I mean, I've been out of the limelight and sitting in the background for eight years. Eight long years. Then she asked if I would be available Mondays and Tuesdays starting next week. I left there a little more than shellshocked.

I'm scared.

I just keep thinking of all the responsibility for such a role. My lack of a solid and reliable singing voice. Can I really do this?

God help me!