A Realization

I've had a realization in the last couple of days.

Ever since completing my first novel, I've been restless, irritable, and just plain stiff with everyone in my life. I've not wanted to be a friend, daughter, mother, or sister to anyone. That's really, REALLY odd for me. Practically my entire life I've been something to someone (a pain in the behind mostly, but hey, that's still something). I feel like I haven't known myself this past week!

Many people have been worried about me the last few years now that my son is nearing the end of childhood. He's been the entire focus of my life for almost sixteen years. But in three short years he will be graduating high school and moving on with living his own life. And you know what? I'm looking forward to it with a smile.

Not that I don't love my son - anyone who knows me understands that's a given. Years of sweat and tears have been poured over my son. He's a great kid, and no mother could possibly be more proud than I. But when he leaves the nest, that's when I'll know that my sacrifices have all been worthwhile.

Then I'm onto a new course. For the first time in my life, the opportunity to pursue a dream will be fresh on my list. No, it isn't just the book - there are many interests in my life that I want to have time to pursue. Those opportunities are just around the corner, waiting for me to climb on board and hold on for the ride.

I can hardly wait for the rush of exhilaration.

The Family Budget

The last couple of days have found me busy! My family has kept it that way. After the big choir performance Thursday night, I entertained my parents for a couple of days. Then we had our relaxing Mother's Day (I believe a holiday especially for mothers should include relaxation time for said mothers). Then I got busy working up a budget for a young mother with whom I spend time. It brought back memories.

This young lady is seeking to get out on her own and get a place just for herself and her son. No matter how small an income, every adult child benefits greatly from experiencing life on their own. Having a young child, though, does provide for a few security issues to consider, so rent plays a major factor. When I looked around for an apartment all those years ago, I made sure to check out the parked cars, people milling about, and ask about families around the complex. Comfort and security is worth paying for, and I ended up blowing almost an entire paycheck every month just in rent. Of course that meant I had to make up for it in others areas of my budget. Sacrifices require commitment - that's one point I'm trying to get across.

There are quite a few things she's doing right on her own. While she has the opportunity, she's setting aside funds from every paycheck to cover deposits, first month's rent, and to provide for a cushion in the event of emergency. She's also taken to purchasing some items needed for starting up a new household. That alone gets quite expensive.

When I started out as a single mother, I had the benefit of having already experienced a few years out on my own. Household goods were readily available, and I had a stable, full-time job. But having a child brings all sorts of unexpected expenses, time constraints, and worries that you just cannot account for. However, the flip side is that if one stays where it is always safe, you never get the benefit of truly experiencing all life has to offer. Our children need to know that mommie and/or daddy can take care of them. That means they don't always have the best or newest of everything, but that their needs are provided for and plenty of hugs are dispensed. Having family around can also be a blessing.

Just remember - love is free and is always readily replenishable.

Decisions, Decisions

Decisions can be a funny thing. Sometimes there is no right or wrong answer, just the reasoning behind why we make the choices we do.

Many, many years ago, when my son was tiny, I made an important decision. I chose to put myself aside to focus on raising him. This meant that I gave up alot. Yet now I see how much I've gained by putting my son ahead of myself.

The main item I chose to give up was dating and finding Mr. "Right". Dating meant time away from my son, my already divided attentions between home and work divided even more. The one time I did date seemed to be more spent in jockeying two children instead of one (if you get my drift). Yes, I've had times of loneliness. Yes, I've had times where I questioned my decision. Yes, I've also questioned my ability to raise a son all alone. Yet I haven't been alone.

For some reason, God chose to bless me with an enormously important responsibility, one I did not take lightly. I was twenty-three at the time and he's nearing his sixteenth birthday. You do the math. There have been some horribly difficult years, but the wonderful years greatly outweigh the hard ones.

This past year has been an incredible time of growth and maturity for him in so many ways. He has three more years of school before he's off chasing his dreams. My time for influencing him is quickly waning, and these next three years will speed up and be gone in a flash. I've always said that if I can at least instill a sense of personal responsiblity in my son, then I will feel I have succeeded as a mother. We're nearly there.

And I will NEVER regret my decision to put my son before myself.