Controlling the Weather

February has come in like a lion!

A veritable white lion, but a lion nonetheless.

Since the beginning of February we have been hit by snow, snow, and more snow. This week my son used up his last snow day for school.

They have five total each school year.

So since I'm also attending school, my hours have been hit by our school being closed several days this month as well. Only problem is that keeps pushing my graduation date further and further back. Before all of the snow hit, I was on track to graduate the 23rd of March.

Now I'm looking at the 28th of March.

I guess I should be glad that it is still going to be March but I'd hoped to graduate nearly a month early because of my good attendance. My attendance percentage as a whole is still very high and unaffected by the snow closures, but each day we're closed I'm thrown further behind in graduating.

I should be thankful though. My technical graduation was to be April 17th, so I'm still well ahead of that date. Suppose my frustration has more to do with the fact that I'm so READY to get out of school and back into life again.

But it is quite interesting - even though I'm in school, it seems I'm still in the midst of life. There's so many lives that I've had the honor of touching in these months I've attended, that perhaps God needs me to linger just a bit longer in order to be of the greatest import to someone else.

Yes - I'll hold onto that mindset to get me through these next few weeks.

Unless I figure out a way to control the weather.

Celebrating

Well Mom is here in Kansas.

We're celebrating an enormous milestone that I never thought would come. It's been a year today since her breast cancer journey began.

This time last year we were all gathered in Mom's hospital room post-op and telling her the good news (under the circumstances) that they found no further trace of cancer after the sentinel node biopsy. I still remember her groggy "good!" response and the nurse chuckling that she'd been asking about that while in recovery.

It was an enormous praise and relief to begin the journey with something positive (or negative, if you get my drift). :-)

That was a time of intense heartache, panic, stress, followed by moments of the peace that passes all understanding. I still remember the following night watching the snow fall outside the hospital window and being awakened by the snowshovels as the maintanence staff tried to keep ahead of the biggest snowstorm to hit their area all of last year.

Then there were the hourly requests for potty break. Hey, that was great news because it meant everything was in working order! Mom and I got so good at our system that we didn't have to bother the nurses all night, that is until they needed something from Mom. It's funny now because Mom kept saying how sorry she was to constantly get me up, but I was so glad to know that she COULD get up. During that time, we had to celebrate every little step forward.

Even though I still had to constantly get onto her for using that crazy right arm to get up from bed and chairs - she got so frustrated with that one. But it is with great fondness that I remember the nickname with which she dubbed me. Maybe we can get matching hats that say "sergeant" as a memento. :-)

During chemo when Mom lost her sense of taste, we said we were going to celebrate the return of her tastebuds with chocolate cake as soon as treatments were completed. Well tonight we celebrate the one year anniversary of her journey with (what else) CHOCOLATE CAKE. Wee!

The hair is back and growing longer and thicker every day. One more month and she'll be done with the Herceptin treatments, then four years more with this crazy pill and it will be completely finished.

Yet tonight we celebrate more than just a milestone of a year down in her journey.

We celebrate LIFE!

Living A Full Life

So many wonderful things have taken place the last several months that at times I cannot believe they are happening. Makes me also wonder what God is up to. :-)

Last fall I had to make a difficult decision in my life, but since that time it seems God has opened up doorway after doorway and confirmed Himself all over again in the paths I'm walking.

Shortly after making said decision, I was asked to be a part of the praise team at my church. I've not had a place on the platform since 2000 due to having to back off of involvements to deal with life's difficulties and to be more available to my son during that time. Plus losing my voice capacity had a bit to do with it too. I've been back in choir now for five years with a new worship pastor but have maintained a background stance. Not sure what the catalyst was that prompted our worship pastor to take notice of me, but I'm so thankful he did because it feels absolutely incredible to be used once again in my heart's desire - music.

Then there was winning first place in the salon fair at my school, additional confirmation that I'm on the right track. The past month there have been so many situations where God has opened doors that have allowed me to share with a few of the girls at the school, one who fell away from Him in high school after the failings of their youth pastor were revealed. She and I have been talking extensively. I love being used by the Lord in such ways. It also shows me how this industry will allow me a front-row seat in God's arena.

Today my Sunday School leader asked me about sharing my testimony in class in a couple of weeks. Wow! Heavy load and I haven't shared like that in Lord knows how long. But my son is eighteen now and is living proof what a life sold out to God can accomplish even through the mistakes we make. My life has been dedicated to raising him and that part of my path-walk is rapidly drawing to a close.

So maybe the idea of opening my own salon is on the horizon. I'm still jiggling doorknobs in that regard to see if any are open at the present time. I'll walk through those doors as I can and share that journey with you as it develops.

My life feels very full at the moment - busy too! Makes me wonder what is coming up around the bend.

Shrinking View

My worldview has shrunk greatly in the past month. At this moment in my life everything revolves around my mom.

After the initial shock of the cancer diagnosis and then my grandmother's death wore off, my mind immediately shifted into Mom focus. I doubt if that will let up for some time yet.

My gracious boss once again showed her true colors. Once the mastectomy was scheduled, I was allowed to buy ahead on my vacation time (even though I've not been there quite six months) and was able to spend an entire week with my mother, helping her recuperate. After arriving back home on a Wednesday night, we turned around and headed back Friday evening for Super Bowl weekend.

That initial Wednesday parting was enormously difficult after spending a whole week caring for my mother. I held it all together until driving down the block and turning the corner. Before I even hit the next stoplight, the tears were falling uncontrollably.

It's times like these I wish I lived closer to my parents.

Hard as it felt, this weekend we stayed home. My son had a school dance Friday night and then ended up having friends around pretty much all weekend. But Mom hasn't been far from my mind.

Tomorrow night after work, I'll once again hit the road to head to Oklahoma. Mom has her first oncology visit Wednesday and I want to be there for that too. Chemo is looming on the horizon and none of us are looking forward to seeing her have to go through that. But eventually this too shall pass.

There are no guarantees in life, but I love my mother dearly and hope to keep her around for as long as possible. Eventually life will resume and get back to normal. I'm sure my son will keep me just as busy for the next year, as he's approaching senior-hood.

But for now little else matters. It's Mom who deserves my focus. And that's as it should be.

Life Happens

Ah life - it has its moments.

The last two weeks I've been running around like a chicken on steroids. Been very busy and crazy, but I'm staying with it just fine.

Last week one of my employees was on vacation, so I put in an enormous number of extra hours. Then I am already serving on two committees with the new company and trying to get things up and running with the upcoming holidays within my own team.

Last night my son had his big huge opening concert and fundraiser. Quite a smash! There's some great talent this year, and I'm not just meaning my son.

But I went straight from the office to the school. Got home just after nine last night, but it was very satisfying.

Tonight we had our opening rally for a new product promotion. Went straight from the office to help with set-up and serving and games/activities. Got home just after eight-thirty.

Friday the promotion kicks off.

I'll just be glad to have an evening home tomorrow night. :-)

So I arrive home this evening to a quiet house, devoid of my son but full of two begging kitties vying for my attention. He went to church with a friend of his and they usually run out to the neighborhood Dairy Queen right afterward to hang.

It's kinda nice for me to have a little time to myself to unwind.

Wait - I think I hear him now. Life is back!

Set Building Insights

Our second set build for the play was today.

Missed the first one when I was sick.

Since my son was at his dad's, I wasn't overly concerned about the time. Left the house at 9:30 this morning. Didn't return home until almost 4:30.

I'm beat.

But the thing is we had so much fun together. After we finished up with all we could do today, a couple of us decided to go out to a late, late (did I say late?) lunch. Haven't had that much fun in paint splatter for a long time. Ruth told me I really needed to join the Impact Players on a regular basis, but she understood that I couldn't just now. Choir is my commitment, but my plan is to get back into theatre more after my son is done with school.

That's only going to be two and ahalf years now. Can you believe it? I still remember the day the doctor placed him in my arms, I whispered his name, and he turned his head and looked at me with wide eyes. Gave me goosebumps then and the memory gives me goosebumps now. Seems like it was not all that long ago, but sixteen years passes so quickly when you're having fun.

But I digress.

For the last couple of years I've been realizing that my time as a needed mother is rapidly drawing to a close. That leaves me looking forward to the time that I can start pursuing some of my own interests again. When we have kids it is important for them to have as much of us as possible. When our kids are growing up it is their time - time for us to nurture them, guard their hearts and minds, guide them, and just plain enjoy life with them. It's that season of life when our priorities need to shift a little from "us" to "them".

Then once they flap their wings and fly from the nest it's time once again to nurture those interests that were placed upon the shelf for a time. Maybe they change. Maybe they don't seem all that important anymore. But then that gives us the opportunity to explore what we will do with the enormous amount of life still yet to live.

I'm going to look forward to more set builds in a few short years.

Life Being Lived

Gotta admit - I'm not sure what I'm writing about tonight.

We've had a busy week, but a good one. That's the best of both worlds (wait a minute - I think I've had too much Disney exposure over the years).

My cats have noticed my absence around the house a little bit lately. Every time I walk around the house my feet are tangled with the rascally things. The moment I take time to just sit down, my lap is filled with fluff.

It's kinda nice to be missed.

They've still got my son around the house, but I'm the one that spoils them rotten. Matter of fact, we just finished our movie night and almost the entire time my lap had Paws filling it. Now that I've sat here at the computer, he's sitting in the office window intermittently looking out the window then staring at me.

Aw - he just meowed all cute-like.

My son's been enjoying some additional time to himself, but I think he's glad to have me home a bit more this week. He's enjoying some last free evenings until he gets a job. I think he'll be making a few follow-up calls tomorrow at some of the places he's applied.

Gotta admit, I'm enjoying doing the play more than I realized I would. Just feels good being back on the stage again. Now if only I can get my voice to cooperate, this will be a great performance to be a part of.

Okay - I didn't know what to write about when I sat down so I just spilled out a little bit of everything at the moment.

Gee, I need to call my friends and play a little catch-up this weekend too.

Life - it never ends. And that's a good thing.

Risk

I'm taking a break to start my blog entry. We're watching a movie about the life and rise of fashion designer, Coco Chanel.

Did you know her name was Gabrielle? She obtained her nickname "Coco" from a little French song. Of course this being a movie, it is hard to know where artistic license has been taken and reality collide. However, that part had a rather authentic ring to it. Maybe I'll research it later. I love researching subjects that entice and intrigue me.

One thing they are focusing on at present is the aspect of the free-spiritedness she possessed - of being unwilling to be a mere ornament fashioned of the same fabric as the rest of society. There is a line in her latter years that resonates in my soul - strength is not built by ones successes but by ones failures. How true that is.

She leaves comfort to pursue her dreams. She is unwilling to decline risk even after she is highly successful. In fact, one of her statements is "risk is what life is all about". Even in her 70's she continued to risk obsolesence because she still retained a vision.

I wish I could be more like that. At one time in my life I was a similar free-spirit - uncontained and untamed. Now I seem to do what is expected because I have responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, recognizing and living up to ones responsibilities is very important - something our society would do better to remember more often. But there is a part of me that desires to take a risk to do something more.

And in time I just may do so.

Tomorrow's The Day

Tomorrow's the day. I'm feeling a bit nervous. Well truth be told, ALOT nervous.

When our little family went through the stressful events of 1999, I started having health problems. My doctor sent me to an endocrinologist to have my thyroid checked after a year or so of various symptoms, but the doc said I was in the "normal" range (low, but normal) and was just getting old at the age of 31. I accepted that at the time.

For several years now I've taken estrogen hormone therapy. It's helped me function and lead a bit more of a normal life, but I still miss "me" - the highly energetic, bouncing off the walls, clear singing voice, into everything person I once was. Been to counselors to insure I'm not holding onto residuals from the difficult years, and been told I'm in good mental health (well, some of my friends might deem that incorrect :-), knowing my propensity for orneriness). But my physical health is still not where it should be at this stage in my life. My trip to and from Chicago screamed it loud and clear all over again.

So earlier this year I went off my hormones to see what would happen. First month went fine. Second month all my old symptoms came on in a massive rush. I couldn't get back on my estrogen fast enough.

In reading about thyroid problems, everyone mentions that the problem progresses over a period of years with gradually increasing and worsening symptoms. So after my experiment, I picked up the phone and called my doctor to get in to see a different endocrinoligist. He was backed up for three months.

So finally tomorrow I will get to see him. I hope he listens. I hope he hears me. I hope he doesn't just base his decision on one test result. I hope he's willing to try and help and not write me off as a hypochondriac or just pre-menopausal. I think that's why I'm so nervous. This time I won't accept the pat or easy answer again.

This time I will fight for myself until taken seriously - for myself, for my son, for my life.

It's too precious to waste.

The Simple Pleasures

My son had a special choir rehearsal this evening.

Over the years, I've learned to love those extra moments at home alone. Finished up one of the books I was reading. Opened the windows and let in the rush of northern breezes that blew in this afternoon. Listened to the wind rustle the leaves in the trees.

I sense the early onset of autumn. It's welcome relief in this household, as we are cold adventure lovers around here.

When finished with the rehearsal, my son called and said he'd just walk on home. His eyes were bright when he came in the door. The cool weather hit the spot after a sweaty hour of dancing.

A perfect time for ice cream!

Rarely do I offer the extra calories that come with ice cream. It goes straight to my thighs! But tonight was a night of enjoying the simple pleasures life sometimes throws our way.

So I threw calorie worries out the door, and we drove to Sonic to enjoy an Oreo blast and a chocolate/caramel shake. Ah - hit the spot.

Go on - take a moment this week to find pleasure in something simple. It's pure magic.

Tuesday Television

Tuesday nights around our house are typically centered around the T.V. We don't watch much of it any other day, but when we do we do it with gusto.

Usually it is non-stop Discovery Channel's "Deadliest Catch" series that keeps our blood pumping and our guts sore from laughing so much at all the greenhorns' antics. But with "Deadliest Catch" on hiatus until next season, we stumbled across something new.

Have you ever heard of a show called "Reba"? It's Reba McEntire, the singer!!! She's absolutely hilarious. It's a 30-minute sitcom about a single mother whose husband left her for his younger assistant (who, by the way, actually becomes Reba's friend), whose 17-year old daughter becomes pregnant and the father is kicked out of his own house (so they end up getting married and living with Reba), and the whole thing is an absolute disastrous and chaotic mess.

I love it!

I can so relate to several things in this sitcom, even those besides the single parent saga. Yes, they deal with some touchy subjects. Yes, it is irreverent, but they approach everything in such a way that is refreshing and yet still somewhat honorable.

The daughter and son-in-law got pregnant, but he did the honorable thing by marrying her and she by keeping the baby. They have their moments of selfishness and teenagerness, trying to walk a line between high school and adulthood. But then he holds her head while she's pucking her guts up (even though he whines about it), and she supports his efforts to try to improve his grades in school (he's a football jock) since he now has responsibilities.

Reba has her moments of anger and bitterness toward her ex-husband and his new wife (who is also pregnant with his child). But then she also shows her ex honor by encouraging the stiff relationship with their younger daughter. She works hard to accept the fact that the new wife is now a part of their lives, though she gets some of the best one-liner put downs before anyone catches it. Kinda like a "who goosed the moose" moment.

This crazy show is so relatable. I've personally seen how a teenaged pregnancy can affect an entire family and how it helps when the family accepts it and gathers around. I've seen how divorce affects people and how bitterness can be hard to overcome but can be done with alot of work. I know how it feels to be a single mother and worry about how it affects your kids and how other people look differently at your children because of it, as if single-parenthood is some kind of catching disease. I know how hard it is to swallow your pride and encourage the children's relationship with the ex because it is good for them and the right thing to do (in most cases). Life isn't always a sweet-smelling, bed of roses.

But at least we can find something to laugh about!

On The Soapbox

I'm climbing onto my soapbox this morning. You've been warned.

Suffering cometh and suffering goeth. We are human, and all will experience suffering of some dimension in this short life. Job understood this better than most. Christ promised it before His ascension. Anyone who thinks otherwise is only deluding themselves.

Far too many Christians these days subscribe to the belief of Christ as more of a Santa Claus figure - ask and you shall receive - completely forgetting the extension of this in James - you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives. Then when a believer experiences suffering, either they are ostracized by their fellow Christians as if they possess the plague, or they are demonized 24-7 by "where's your faith?" and end up telling God to hang it on His proverbial beak.

People are leaving the church in droves because of this false lie, this concept that when you become a Christian God will be your bridge OVER troubled waters. That leaves the impression in people's minds that God will keep trouble away from them. Then when He doesn't, they either think something is wrong with themselves (ie. they need to believe harder) or that they'll never measure up to God's standards (ie. they need to try harder). This is so far from the truth, and it angers me when people espouse this empty rhetoric of man.

By denying suffering, Christianity itself is negated in the price Christ paid when He went to the cross. His suffering for our sakes was therefore utterly worthless if this misappropriated belief is to be accepted as truth. What about all those in the early church who went to the Coliseum and were torn apart for their faith? What about those who were hunted down, imprisoned, beaten, and murdered for their faith? What about all those who still face such persecution in our world TODAY??? Don't tell them, "Oh, it's all good!" for a second. They'd be only right to spit in your face for such arrogance.

Suffering hurts. Suffering is painful. Personally myself, I hate going through the troubled waters when its my turn. But I've also learned (key word) that God is still with me. I've learned to shut my ears to the fanatical delusionists of the world and keep trudging through. I don't like it, but I also know God will see me through. And then there's always something He leaves with me on the other side - deep compassion, concern, and the ability to commiserate with others as they walk through life's difficulties.

I'll never forget the new image my pastor once left with me concerning the proverbial bridge. God isn't the bridge OVER troubled waters but the submarine THROUGH troubled waters. Oh how true!

Okay, I'm getting off my soapbox now.

A Realization

I've had a realization in the last couple of days.

Ever since completing my first novel, I've been restless, irritable, and just plain stiff with everyone in my life. I've not wanted to be a friend, daughter, mother, or sister to anyone. That's really, REALLY odd for me. Practically my entire life I've been something to someone (a pain in the behind mostly, but hey, that's still something). I feel like I haven't known myself this past week!

Many people have been worried about me the last few years now that my son is nearing the end of childhood. He's been the entire focus of my life for almost sixteen years. But in three short years he will be graduating high school and moving on with living his own life. And you know what? I'm looking forward to it with a smile.

Not that I don't love my son - anyone who knows me understands that's a given. Years of sweat and tears have been poured over my son. He's a great kid, and no mother could possibly be more proud than I. But when he leaves the nest, that's when I'll know that my sacrifices have all been worthwhile.

Then I'm onto a new course. For the first time in my life, the opportunity to pursue a dream will be fresh on my list. No, it isn't just the book - there are many interests in my life that I want to have time to pursue. Those opportunities are just around the corner, waiting for me to climb on board and hold on for the ride.

I can hardly wait for the rush of exhilaration.

Disappointment

I'm so disappointed!

For several years now I've wanted to purchase a formal dining room suite. As a gift to myself in 2001, I completed my china set with 20 full place settings, the adorable little demitasse cups, serving pieces, you name it. My old home had a built-in cabinet that housed alot of my china, but my new home has a large room specifically for a formal dining suite. I found the design I wanted over a year ago.

Last week I found out that the store was having a silent 20% off sale. They don't come around often, so I decided now was the optimal time to purchase said dining room furniture. Furniture is to me as clothes or shoes are to most women.

The suite was to be delivered this morning. Sadly, the store called to say that when they were uncrating and loading the china hutch in their truck, they discovered an enormous gash in one side. They'd be happy to deliver the other pieces if I wanted, but they had to get a new hutch from their warehouse. I told them to just wait and delivery it all when the new hutch came in. It hurt.

Yes, it's only stuff, but I've waited and saved for this for so many years. One more week isn't going to kill me, but it sure took the wind out of my sails. Even the things we see as strong can be fragile.

Life carries many disappointments - most more important than a silly piece of furniture. It's how we plow through those times that our strength is revealed. Do we let life's blows keep us down, or do we pick ourselves back up, brush off the dirt, and begin anew?

I guess in this case I just need to brush off the splinters.