A Realization

I've struggled with something for years.

What would happen if one of my particular stories was ever published?

This specific story was a cathartic work through painful processes, a rather blatant look at the ugly things in life and the depths to which humanity can sink. I've lived certain elements of it.

Don't get me wrong, the story events are a complete work of fiction. However, there is alot of me interwoven through the feelings, the heartbreaks, the poor choices and decisions, the weight of events thrust unwillingly upon a lost soul. I didn't hold anything back and laid it bare in all its rawness.

Many of my life's events have been what most would call unfair, deeds thrust upon me and done to me, choices made looking through a mud-encrusted windshield called my life. Then when it's all said and done, I'm left to pick up the shattered pieces with a mind in torment, emotions in turmoil, nothing left on which to stand. I've realized a strength I never knew I possessed.

For years now, I've toyed with the possibility that if I ever decided to pursue publishing of this novel I'd use a pseudonym to avoid the backlash that would likely come from many sectors of the Christian community. But I've changed my mind. If it ever does make it into print, I will have it imprinted with my given name.

You see in reading my Bible, I've noticed that God didn't hold anything back in scripture. He allows us to see that Noah was a drunk, Jacob was a poor parent, Judah had sex with his own daugher-in-law whom he thought was a prostitute, Moses was a murder and had an anger-management problem, King David was an adulterer and murderer, it goes on and on and on. And these were people God even used for His purposes!

Therefore if God can use such people and put His name on such a book, I think I can do the same with my little foray into the unpleasantries of living. Maybe then some good will spill out onto others who've also faced life's difficulties.

I'll never know unless I open myself up to the opportunity.

Timelessness (is that a word?)

Age can be a funny thing.

I'm turning forty next year - yes, the big 4-0. Some people are terrified of that designation of "middle-age", but I'm looking forward to it. Yes, I'm strange that way.

Turning twenty was wonderful; I was no longer a teenager. Thirty seemed as if the beginning of life had come, and perhaps I'd finally gain the respect of my older peers (yeah right, like that's ever going to happen). So what is the matter with turning forty? For me, absolutely nothing. I celebrate it. It means I've survived another milestone.

There was a time in my life when I didn't think I'd make it to my next birthday. When the physical body wears thin it really makes your world and focus shrink down to what is truly important. During that time, life for me was about reaching that next milestone to ensure I'd be here for my son. He became my driving life-force to do everything possible to live another day, week, month, and year.

Life has such meaning and purpose to me each and every day. I no longer struggle just to survive; now I thrive. It is a precious gift to be given a second chance.

It also means I'm moving forward. So forty, come on down!