The Strangeness of Strangers

Things are feeling very strange tonight.

Previously I've blogged briefly about a friendship that was betrayed eleven years ago and the pain that brought, but also what I've learned from that time period. God never lets a hurt go unused if it is given to Him for His glory.

Twice in all of these years, this person made contact with me to try and open correspondence - once by letter about six years ago and once via Facebook about a year and ahalf ago. I never responded to either because I wasn't sure how to feel about it all and if I was strong enough to open those old wounds - not only for myself but for my son as well. Most importantly, I neither sensed genuine remorse nor received any apology.

But perhaps the timing is right now.

Lately I've sensed the Lord directing my mind more and more toward her. This past weekend there was a distinct sense from the Lord that I needed to make contact - that now the time was ripe.

Still not sure how to feel about it, but in obedience I searched for and found her through the Linked In website - it appears she's no longer on Facebook. So I sent a contact notice and my personal email so as not to muddy a public site with highly sensitive and extremely personal correspondence.

She responded back right away.

Then I wasn't sure how to proceed. I'd stepped out in obedience but wasn't sure what I expected to happen. Have no clue whatsoever what will happen or even what I want to happen from this. Perhaps it is just a time to speak the truth and offer forgiveness. Maybe eventually there might even be a chance to establish an acquaintence or (dare I say it) a friendship of sorts again - but that is spending time in fantasyland, whereas I'm too realistic of a girl to allow myself to wallow in such dangerous territory. Reality may bite much of the time but the long-term price of fantasyland no one can afford.

So for now I'm just opening up communication and telling it like it is. I'm pretty good at that anymore. She's at least willing to communicate and talk in reality too, unlike how things were going when the friendship ended. And I've finally received something for which I've waited eleven years.

A remorseful and heartfelt apology.

Reality may have the deepest hurts, but it also contains moments of true and actual joy. That's something fantasyland will never provide. So I'll take reality any day.

Even if it makes me feel strange.

Stunning Shock

There's been a stunning development in my personal life just a few moments ago, yet I'm not so sure how to feel about it.

Literally - I'm just stunned right now.

My son has been with his dad this weekend and I've spent some time with friends and having friends over (thus the reason for no posts). Church service this morning was fantastic in our new split format. Great weekend overall.

Returned home from church just a few minutes ago and opened my computer to check my messages before I have to go pick up my son this afternoon. Low and behold there was an unexpected shocker sitting in my inbox.

My old friend, with whom I haven't spoken in nearly ten years, found me through Facebook and left me a message.

This was the dear friend who was like a sister to me - more than a sister because we were dear to each other by choice not blood. We stuck with each other through high school, college, marriage then divorce, children and her remarriage. We saw the highest of highs and lowest of lows that life could bring and knew we'd make it through anything because we had each other. We knew the best and worst of each other and still remained fast friends.

I like to call it "bosom friends" from Anne of Green Gables.

But she's the one who betrayed me ten years ago. This is the friend that I thought would always be there. Then one fateful day it fell away and I felt as though my flesh had been stripped away with it. The pain was raw and with me through torturous years.

Since then, God has blessed me with wonderful new friends and a new view of life and of Him.

But I never forgot about my friend. I always wondered what had happened to her and if her husband stuck with her through her worst. Her children were nearly like my own, and I've wondered often what has happened to them and how they've done without their "Aunt Niecie". I know my son had a hole in his heart too without them around.

It's good to know she's still alive and kicking, but I don't know how to feel about this contact after so long. It brings before me old wounds - healed wounds, but the scars remain. I'm not sure I'd even open this door again. She's never apologized and I'd like to receive that, but attempt a friendship with her again?

I don't think so.

How do you learn to trust again when someone has hurt you so deeply? Forgiveness is freely given, but trust has to be earned back. Do I even allow her an opportunity to try?

I don't think I'm strong enough for that.

Then again - God has shown me a strength in myself I NEVER thought I had (my own family will attest to this).

For now I need time - plenty and lots of time - to sort through the shock and think about this before doing anything.

I at least owe it to my son - he lived through hell and came back right along with me. Whatever choice I make affects him and will establish a huge pattern for how to live life.

The ramifications here are enormous in so many respects.

I think I need to quit rambling now. Must be the shock wearing off.