Through Troubled Waters

While I've been awaiting the arrival of my temporary license, I've been busily working on preparations for my son's approaching high school graduation.

As part of that day's events, I've planned a DVD montage of his life replete with pictures, music, and fun. One of the songs I'm using will be from his State Choir CD - rather gratuitous, I realize, but the song is spectacular and fits the mood of the particular pictures in that segment.

The prep time has been quite the journey for me. I've laughed and cried, remembering the good times and bad, as I've perused a lifetime of pictures. But the reminiscing has been quite interesting.

See the tears aren't so much for the pain of the hard times but the joy of knowing that my son has truly made it THROUGH those times. He's not stuck in a mire of pain and bitter memories but has learned so many valuable lessons that only the difficulties of life can teach.

Then when I look at all he's accomplished thus far, in his short eighteen years, it makes this momentous occasion that much sweeter. It gives both him and me great hope for his future endeavors. It is a balm of peace that God is still in control through the tough times and that He still leads us through and beyond them to greater life on the other side.

My pastor once talked about the song of the "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" and how that was a misnomer. A bridge implies that God keeps us over or out of the troubles of this life, but that is by far incorrect. He is not our bridge over troubled waters but our submarine through them.

Jesus promised that in this world we would have trouble, but that He has overcome the world. Therefore we have hope through the difficulties of life.

It is a beautiful thing to see that my son has been through life's troubles thus far and has made it through with his faith intact. There are struggles that await him in the future - of that, I'm certain, but I also have hope that he has the foundation in place to make it through those as well.

But let's just get through graduation first.

Faith and Fear

Graduation is fast approaching!

This time I mean me from cosmetology school. My son's graduation will follow shortly upon its heels but at the moment I've got alot of decisions to make for myself first.

Isn't it amazing that in just two and ahalf months I will be taking up the mantle of cosmetologist and accepting my professional grade shears from school? It's so freaking AWESOME!

Sorry - I am an 80's child remember.

So several options lay before me, but I'm having trouble throwing one very risky venture aside - that of establishing my own salon. My original plan called for me to work about three years in a salon to learn additional trade secrets and then to open my own place. Then that changed to maybe two years. Recently I decided to re-evaluate after one year. But now faith is taking a stranglehold on me.

There seem to be some other things happening in the heavens that may be pointing in the direction of sooner rather than later. Much sooner. I can't yet share all of those specific things yet, but I've been deep in prayer concerning this possibility. Some of my close family and friends have also committed to praying for leading in this regard as well.

I'm scared to death!!!

But I'm also jazzed about the possibility of becoming a small business owner in a short amount of time. The decision needs to be made very soon.

Any of you praying readers out there are invited to join with me in seeking the Lord's direction.

And whatever direction that may be, I'll step out in faith - regardless of my fear.

Faith Steps

Last night at choir practice, a friend of mine gave me a DVD that she told me I just had to watch. So tonight we didn't have anything on our agenda and decided to watch Fireproof. The story was actually quite good.

Kirk Cameron was the main character. No offense, but it is obvious he is the only professional actor in the show. If you can get past some of the acting capacities, it truly is a beautiful film.

I cried three or four times. My son wants to buy the movie for ourselves, but that will have to wait until I am once again employed.

Hope it won't be too much longer.

It's kinda funny, though. The story behind how this church stepped out in faith to make both this and their other movie, Facing the Giants, is quite inspirational. Just goes to show you that when God is in it nothing will be impossible.

Which brings me to a weird place in my own life.

I don't believe in coincidences. I believe things happen for a reason - good and bad. I believe that there may be something more happening in regard to this layoff I'm encountering. Been scared. Been a little depressed with not finding a job right away. Been frustrated and angry.

Even a little angry at God.

But I also know that this also provides me with an opportunity to seek out something more to do with my life other than the corporate run-around. I so much want to discover what it is that God is doing through this. Problem is not knowing what that something is or what direction to turn at the moment. My focus is all over the place - which means I'm not focusing.

There's several possibilities floating around. Working with my stylist to help her in her salon, talking to my dad about going into a partnership with him. But I also want to explore something involving my talents.

I'm working on querying agents about my book. Nothing's happening there, but I've also just begun. I'm talking to some people about maybe doing more theatre work and actually getting paid for it. I'm even thinking way off the charts.

Not ready to talk about that at this point. Let's just say that it is a WAAAAAY big faith step.

Maybe through all of this I'll finally figure it out or at least have a light shine down on me and say, "THIS IS THE WAY".

Hey, it could happen!

Just look what a little faith and a few cameras did for a church down in Georgia.

Cats Make Great Writer's Block

Cats make great writer's block.

Instead of looking for a new job today, I decided to spend the entire time at the computer creating an agent contact listing in preparation for querying agents about my book. Throughout the day, one of my cats kept climbing up into my lap and then onto the desk - right in front of my computer screen.

Heck, one time he even tried grabbing the pointer on the screen. I kept spinning it around in circles, hoping it would make him dizzy and he'd get off the desk.

Worked about as good then as it is doing now. At the moment, I'm having to peek around the cat and hoping my fingers are on the correct keys.

My writer's block has cleared!!!

So where was I? Oh yes - spent the day studying literary agents and compiling an Excel spreadsheet with their contact information. Tomorrow I'm going to clean up and sharpen the first few chapters a little bit, send out several queries via email, then spend some time on Career Builder seeing if there are some applicable job postings.

Have to admit, I'm feeling a little torn. Right now I wish I was in a position to take some extended time off to really devote to my writing and selling of my book(s). I'm seeing this layoff as a real opportunity to switch gears somewhat and focus - maybe even doing something completely different.

But there's still the mortgage and utilities to be paid. Financially I'd be in a sweet position if the markets hadn't tanked the last few months. If worse had come to worse, I could have just cashed in some of my 401k and paid off the house.

Magic mirror on the wall, I wish you'd told the future!

Even so, I think I can combine my efforts during the possible weeks I'll be off work (please, not months) and take advantage of having the time to really push my book(s) as well as search for work. The technological age does have many benefits, doesn't it?

Last year a friend of mine made the leap from full-time employment to full-time writing. Lucky stiff! He and his wife spent a few years preparing as a lead-in to taking this step and getting bills paid off and finances in order, etc. However, his wife still maintains her job and they're making it just fine.

Guess that's why it's a little hard for me to take such a step of faith, since I am the sole provider of my family. The pressure was always there, but it didn't feel so heavy until I was without paycheck.

Just want to use this time wisely while I have it. I'll find gainful employment again - I'm just not sure if I should stay with what I know or take a risk and try something new.

Maybe even something totally new.

I'll treasure this time eventually someday. Maybe I'll be able to write about it then too.

Well, I guess that might work - as long as I don't continue to have this writer's block problem.

A Visit With The Count

Writing about the "Count of Monte Cristo" music soundtrack last night got me in the mood to hear it again. I just finished watching the movie. It never fails to move me.

There are several scenes in the movie that really get to me, but one in particular causes my eyes to well every stinking time I watch the crazy thing. After Edmond is betrayed by his best friend and thrown into prison for a crime he didn't commit, he notices a message carved into the wall of his cell by the previous tenant - "God will give me justice".

For the next four to seven years (it's never quite clear exactly), Edmond carves the message deeper and deeper into the wall with a sharp stone. It's as if he's attempting to carve it into his soul to cling to God and keep from losing his faith. Then one day after his annual whipping, he sits there staring at the message, picks up the stone, then with a clatter drops it to the floor. A powerful statement.

I guess it gets to me because I know what it's like in a way. I've never totally lost my faith in God, but my heart has been so beaten down and punctured by the knives in my back, that I've cried out to God, "WHY?", just as Edmond does. I've asked the questions millions have before me: Why do good people suffer? Why doesn't God do something about the wrongs committed against the innocent?

You know what? I'll never have all the answers. I'll never understand why I've had to walk some of the horrible paths laid before me. But this I DO know. It was not God who did these things to me. It was not God who conspired to commit wrongs against me. It is the effect of the selfish nature of man.

And there is an added benefit that God has opened my eyes to through all of it. There are so many people in this world just like me - beaten down by events or other people in life, doubting God, confused about how a loving God could allow such things, etc., etc., etc. So many times they're told to "get over it" or "where's your faith" and other such hogwash.

God has allowed me a not so unique opportunity to see through people's masks and reach them where they hurt. I can't make things better, but I can be a shoulder to lean on, arms to hold them, a friend to listen, someone to cry with. In a very tiny way, it almost makes what I've been through worthwhile. It at the very least gives reason to my past hurts.

I'm still on my journey, and that's a good thing. With insiders knowledge, I can laugh at the scene in the movie where Edmond tells Priest, "God is no more real than your treasure, Priest." To which Priest responds with a smile and says, "Perhaps."

You'll have to watch the movie to fully appreciate the wealth in that statement.