Homecoming Happenings

Well tonight is the night of homecoming and all goes well thus far.

My son still is on tap with his date (they confirmed pick-up this afternoon) and has plans to meet with a group of friends and their dates for dinner before the dance. They're all looking forward to a fun, splendid time together.

Once again, we're having positive moments that continue to build on each other throughout his milestones of life. Senior year grades are holding up very well, he's connected deeply with guys in his youth group and made tons of new friends, his connection to the Lord is growing stronger every day, college is heavily in focus, and now an opportunity to take a lovely young lady to his high school dance.

This week we spent some time re-watching some of his Mark Gungor DVD's concerning Sex, Dating, and Relating. Then there's the Manly Man conference bonus DVD, but you don't want me to go there.

I've tried very hard to raise my son with a positive awareness of what it means to be a man of courage and character, to understand the differences in how men and women think, to be aware of pitfalls in dating and relationships, and to see realistically how physical intimacy in a relationship too often replaces true intimacy. These DVD's don't necessarily try to give a moral argument against sex and its equivalents before marriage (though they are from a Christian perspective) but a real-world argument about how physical intimacy before marriage too often destroys the foundation and trust needed for a marriage to succeed long-term.

I think we can see how that is daily played out in our culture.

I've made my own mistakes in this regard and wish very much to protect my son from the hurt, heartache, and disappointment that destruction leaves in its wake. I know in the end it will be his choice how to conduct himself in his relationships as he leaves the nest. But I never want him to come back and ask why no one ever told him. For me, I want to know that my son has a chance to live life and live it abundantly.

Maybe then he can be part of the solution instead of continuing to be a part of the problem. But for tonight, we'll just get past homecoming and his first real date.

Lord help me be able to sleep tonight. :-)

The Dreaded "D" Word

Divorce

Such a terrible word. Such terrible wounds fanning out like a spider's web, touching more than the two parties involved.

Just this week I learned of two separate couples who find themselves in the throes of divorce proceedings. One divorce involves no children, while the other has two very young souls enmeshed in the chaos. Even though the first couple have no children there are still parents, other relatives, and friends that are affected forever by the division.

I remember when a sister went through a divorce and we struggled as a family to divide ourselves from him and his family out of loyalty to my sister. Friendships that involved both my sister and her former husband were stretched thin between the two. Eventually a side won the friendship battle. Even so, everyone still lost in the end.

When I suffered through my own divorce, even in the freedom there was extended pain. My mother-in-law was very dear to me, but now I've neither seen nor spoken to her in eighteen years. My mother and my ex's older sister were friends and taught Sunday School together in their church. Now they only speak to each other when necessary. There's that family loyalty to consider.

Having been through it all, I understand first-hand why God hates divorce. It tears into the very heart and soul of humanity - after all, God is about relationship. It's why He created us in the first place. Even in that perfect garden, God saw that humans needed other humans even though we eventually screwed up His perfection.

I know the legalists preach no divorce and no divorce/remarriage. I understand where they are coming from - I used to be one of them. But now that I see scripture from the side of having lived through the painful web of divorce and it's aftermath, I think I understand the deeper heart of what Christ was trying to get across to humanity two-thousand years ago.

There are never any winners, only losers when it comes to divorce. Relationships are shattered and most times irreparable, and God sees hurt upon hurt heaped upon humanity.

Which is why He hates that dreaded "D" word so much.

Because in many ways divorce equals death.

Descriptive Titles and Odd Writings

It's so odd.

This afternoon I spent some time looking at a few of my old blog posts, trying to remember what life was like before Mom's cancer and imagining what life will be once she's through this. What will the new "normal" be? It was a shock to realize that as of yesterday's posting, I've only had six total posts for all of 2010.

I used to post six times in one week!

Feeling terribly nostalgic about my writing tonight.

Part of it probably is because we had an old friend come to town this weekend, and our critique group members met with him for an early dinner Saturday evening. What fun! He asked if I'd been writing and got onto me when I told him no. But with having to prove myself all over again in a new position with a new firm, then my mom's diagnosis, my grandmother's death, and having no time much to even spend with my son, where was I going to dig up a few hours a night to do some writing?

But he's right. Digging into characters and bringing them to life on the pages of a good story idea gives my life such spark and energy - something I've been sorely lacking for about eight months now.

For the last three months, I've even given thought to writing a book about my mother's cancer journey. However, it's all been so fresh and raw of late and my mind has been engaged with just helping somehow to get her through each week that I don't know if I have it in me to wrap my mind around it enough to craft something interesting of it all right now.

Perhaps sometime down the road. Maybe a title like "When It Rains It Pours" or "Riding the Raging River Over the Torrential Waterfall Without a Paddle" (okay, maybe that one is a little too long, but VERY descriptive and rather appropriate too)...or maybe "Cancer - a Daughter's Journey Alongside Her Mother".

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Reflecting

Tonight I find myself reflecting back on a summer almost gone.

This week my son is visiting his dad down in Oklahoma. The first of the summer I had a ton of days to myself while he was busy preparing and then going to Europe. Now I'm with another nine days all to myself while he's visiting his dad. He'll return and then it's prep for a new school year.

Wow!

I've also seen my relationship with my son take a new turn - a really positive one. The Europe trip allowed him to see that he's more than capable of taking care of himself. He feels more confident in his capacity and comfortable in his own skin, and it shows in everything. Now I find myself at a crossroads in this new relationship.

It is very important to me to allow him this space to continue down the road toward manhood. Problem has been that so much of my life has been devoted to raising him, but now I have a chance to begin the process of considering what I will do post child-rearing.

Believe it or not, I'm looking forward to the opportunity in many ways. For the first time in nearly seventeen years I have a chance to consider some of the things I've wished to do - things I've put on hold. Trips I may wish to take just for the pure enjoyment of it.

And without my son along for the ride.

I know it scares alot of people when the kids begin to leave the nest. There will be moments that it feels a little scary to me, but this is what I've worked and sacrificed for all these years. The time has come to see the payoff. How could I not be happy that this day is rapidly approaching?

That means my son will be off in the great big world, forging his own path, and my job will be complete - for the most part anyway.

Now all I need to do is start figuring out where I'll want to go first. I've a pretty good idea of where that will be. :-)

Pavement in Heaven

Today we've been pretty busy preparing for the arrival of guests tomorrow. We're having a get-together at our house to celebrate the brief visit of some dear friends. Their son was part of the gang of five with my son and their other friends until they moved away about five years ago with a job.

My goodness, has it been that long?

Anyway, they go visit family in Wisconsin every other year and so spend a couple of days here to reconnect with everyone on their journey north. It's always so nice to see them again, and also to see the boys all back together. They've all changed so much!

I will always regret one thing, however. Just before they moved to Texas, the mom and I had time to connect and develop a friendship. We'd do a girls night out or just hang at her house or my house picking up and dropping off when our boys would get together. Then the news of the move dropped like a bomb.

I was devastated.

It'd been several long years since I'd had a good friend, someone that I felt comfortable confiding in and whose husband wasn't secretly after me (long story). So the news seemed like a blow to my heart once again.

So I decided right then and there that I wasn't going to hesitate anymore in seeking out and developing close friendships. Early in my life, I recognized the need for realness in relationships, especially among trusted friends.

I'm blessed many times over in that regard once more, but I learned the lesson through many bumps and bruises. However, I'll take the bumps and bruises anyday rather than NOT risk friendship - before it's too late.

So my message to you tonight is to take a chance and work hard to develop friendships while the opportunity is there. In today's society we need them more than ever. They are worth the time invested. If you have hesitated before, make a vow right now to not waste another moment to obtain good, close friendships.

Relationships are worth their weight in gold. Remember, that's mere pavement in heaven.

Rebuilding What Is Broken

Parenting can be hard sometimes.

A dear friend of mine has had a devil of a time with her daughters. The tug-of-war with her ex-spouse hasn't helped either, but she's trying her best to maintain a somewhat stable relationship with them.

Kids sure need that - from both of their parents.

Can't tell you how many people I know who deal with the tug-of-war. In most cases it seems one spouse cannot let go of the other spouse - more likely their anger at the other spouse - and so use the kids to try and get back at their former squeeze.

It's never a pretty picture. The kids are the ones who usually end up so emotionally scarred from the battles, and you know what they say? Hurt people hurt people. The whole thing becomes a vicious cycle that can be perpetrated for generations to come.

One thing I've learned in watching my friend go through her battles is that at some point you have to let go of trying to understand or control the other individual. No, it isn't fair that he continues dragging her and the kids back through court all the time, but news flash! Life is never fair, and it's time more parents understood this.

Doesn't mean she just bends over and grabs the ankles. Doesn't mean she gives up on her kids. But somewhere along the line you have to decide what is ultimately going to be best for everyone, not just yourself.

My friend? She ended up letting her ex-husband have primary custody of her girls. You know what? One came back to her on her own volition. The relationship with the other one improved dramatically because the ex stopped fighting with her. No child support to fight over and no relationships to continue tearing apart.

Rebuilding what has been torn down is hard work. First there's the clean-up before reconstruction can begin. Then there's the preparation of the groundwork and laying of the foundations. None of it happens overnight.

But I think time is on their side.

Hallmark Channel Sequel Has Arrived!

My mom is going to come up for a visit at the end of the month.

Nothing special going on. No performance of my son's. No special holiday. Just an ordinary weekend.

NOT!

Okay, I'm going to be displaying my girliness here. Excuse me, it's a little embarassing for me.

Last year there was this incredibly wonderful Hallmark Channel movie on called "The Note". The story surrounded a journalist who inherited a column and things weren't going so well. Then there was this terrible plane crash just off-shore of her hometown, the results of a fire onboard the plane that quickly engulfed it. The pilot made a last-ditch effort to steer the plane away from populated areas before it exploded over the ocean.

The journalist wonders if the people on the plane knew that in that moment their lives were going to be snuffed out. Then she gets to wondering what would she do if she knew she was about to die and had no control. If she could tell her loved ones one thing, what would it be?

Jogging along the coast, she happens upon a piece of a lifevest washed up on the rocks. Underneath the lifevest she discovers a plastic baggie with a quickly scribbled note to a "T" from "Dad". She sets out to find who wrote the note and who it was intended for.

She takes her readers along for the journey as she interviews several of the surviving family members from the passenger list. The note touches each one in a powerful way and provides a gift of comfort, even though they were not the intended recipients. In the end, the journalist receives the most incredible gift(s) of all.

I won't tell you the rest. Just watch the Hallmark Channel on the 31st of January for "The Note".

But don't stop there. In the last few days I discovered that they have made a sequel that looks just as good or possibly even better than the original.

Needless to say, the reason for my mother's trip up here since she doesn't have Hallmark Channel at home. The sequel is called "Taking a Chance on Love" and the journalist goes on another journey in the relationships that developed from the first.

In this case, she asks the question - is it better to let one's heart lead in matters of love or take it slow and use more of the head. Not sure exactly where she'll end up with that one, but it does make me think of my own life a little bit.

When we've been smeared all over the place by difficult relationships, it's very hard to trust again - thence the desire to be cautious and take things slow. I know I've rarely allowed myself to experience boyfriend-type relationships since my divorce, but I've struggled with friendship relationships too since the betrayal by my best buddy.

But you know what? I think it is good to be cautious somewhat - not just allow ourselves to be blown about in the breeze. But it's also good to learn how to trust again - just making sure we learn to trust the right kind of people.

I have a tendency to have an awful lot of the head in most of my relationships, whether boyfriend or friendships. But it is best to try and find a healthy balance between the head and the heart. Allowing more heart comes easier for me once I've gotten to know someone a little bit, and that's okay for me.

So getting back to the Hallmark Channel, it will be interesting to see which direction they take the story. I'm so excited I can hardly wait. I think Mom might be a little excited too.

Ya think?

Making Time For Friends

I'm feeling all ooey-gooey tonight.

After I left work this evening, I met a couple of friends for dinner. We had a great time for two and ahalf hours. Talked about work, food, family, writing, and offered encouragement to one another. They're a great couple to just let my hair down with. Yes, I know that was grammatically incorrect, but like I said.

When I arrived home, another friend just drove up and wanted to show me some of the things she'd made for her boyfriend's birthday tomorrow. She needed to ensure she wasn't going overboard and discussed last minute plans. We talked about relationships, how hard they can be, but how essential relationships of all sorts are to our well-being. While she was there, another acquaintence popped in real quick to just touch base, see the new house, ask a couple of questions then run to an appointment he'd set up to show a house.

My friend hung out at the house for almost an hour and ahalf before she left. It was a wonderful time to just chat about everything without the kids around and talk frankly with one another. When she got ready to leave, I told her how I felt so blessed this evening and that it was truly amazing to have been bombarded with so many friends in one four hour period.

Instead of feeling tired, I feel rejuvenated. My friends mean the world to me, and I'm always happy to offer encouragement and share tears and loads of laughter.

I think it's time to break in my new house and furniture with a big dinner party!