Welcome 2011

It is with great joy that I spit goodbye to 2010 and wholeheartedly embrace 2011.

This first day of 2011 has been fun and relaxing, unlike this time last year when all you-know-what was breaking loose in my family. First there was my mother's cancer diagnosis confirmation, followed shortly by my grandmother's (mom's mom) death. Then the seemingly endless chemo treatments, job layoff, the unexpected loss of mom's best friend, etc., etc., etc.

But then again there were some glimpses of light even in the midst of absolute chaos and darkness.

Even though it was difficult to lose my grandma, it also seemed to be time. Please don't take that as being cold and unfeeling, but my mom was responsible for Grandma's visitation and care and with the looming surgery, recovery, then chemo it was time for someone else to step in.

That someone else ended up being the Lord, as He took her home to be with Him. He is, after all, the best caretaker anyone could need. Grandma ended up in good Hands.

The job loss also had a bright spot - it allowed me to be more available to my mom when she needed it and not just when it was convenient for the job situation. I didn't have to feel constantly torn between my responsibilities to work and my God-given responsibilities to my mom. It has also given me a chance to embrace a new calling and explore the possibility of realizing a long-held dream.

I've yet to come up with a positive light shined on the loss of Mom's best friend, but perhaps that's one that will have to wait until reaching the other side. There's some questions that will never be adequately answered until we have a chance to ask them face-to-face.

I hope God has a way to duplicate my questions in my notebook. Heck, He already knows them.

So many difficult things have happened this past year, and yet each one seems to have driven me closer to the Lord's feet. I can definitely say I've laid prostrate there so much of this past year. I guess that's another positive that's come from the difficulties myself and my family have faced. It gives greater meaning to the hurts.

And greater hope for the future. Welcome 2011!

Christmas Life

The Christmas season has officially begun!

At least around our house anyway. :-)

Mom and Dad brought my son home and spent the rest of the weekend with us as tradition dictates. We've got our tree up and in the water, presents purchased, and I'm getting ready to start doing some decorating around the house.

Now if only I could keep up with the dishes and dusting.

Christmas is typically my favorite time of year (Independence Day a close second), but this year it feels a little more mellowed for some reason. A year ago brought alot of heartache and upset right around this time with my mother's cancer diagnosis followed swiftly by my grandma's passing (mom's mom). Eleven years ago this Christmas Eve was also the time my dear grandpa passed away. There seems to be alot of hurt attached to this time of year anymore.

Back when I was married (sooo many moons ago) I was just starting out in the banking industry and didn't have enough seniority to get time off at Christmas. My husband's family lived in Nebraska and he would take off a week or two and go up to see them. I'd go a couple of hours south and drive back Christmas night.

I remember vividly that first Christmas night driving back home all alone. As I entered the city, it was eerie in its silence and disturbing in its darkness. Nary a car was in sight as I roamed the streets and pulled into the garage. Walking into the empty house brought such pangs of loneliness of which I've rarely experienced since.

My ex and I never spent a single Christmas together.

Which is why after the divorce, Christmas became my favorite holiday once again. I had no good Christmas memories from my marriage to cloud my future happy holidays.

But 1999 muddied the waters for awhile after the loss of my very best friend forever and ever between Thanksgiving and Christmas that year and then the passing of my grandpa that Christmas Eve. It was several hard years after that before Christmas again became a festive time for us.

So even though there's rather a mellowed sense of the season this year, there's also so much life to celebrate in that Mom is doing great and my family continues to draw close to one another through these tough times.

And isn't new life what we're really celebrating at Christmas anyway?

That's what I thought.

A Thanksgiving Remembered

Thanksgiving day is dwindling - it's hard to believe it is almost over, it came so fast.

Drove back from my sister's in Oklahoma tonight all by myself. It's been somewhat of a tradition for the past eighteen years.

Since I've been in banking, I've almost always worked the Friday after Thanksgiving and taken off time at Christmas - a trade-off, if you will. During those early years, I never had a babysitter to watch my son that day, so my mother started coming back with me either Thursday night or would bring my son back and drive up Friday sometime after Thanksgiving. Then we'd spend time that weekend getting our tree, decorating our house, and doing a little shopping if we felt brave enough to tackle the crowds.

So even though my son is grown, my mom still comes back with us for the weekend to help us get ready for our Christmas - this year because I have school. It's become one of our many family traditions now.

Today we had a wonderful time at my sister's, ate a ton, took a nap, watched a movie (An Old Fashioned Thanksgiving) while the guys watched football. One of my nephews was home from Minnesota and a niece and great-niece were there from Arkansas, so I knew my son would want to hang out with them for awhile. So I said goodbye, will see my son and parents tomorrow, and chucked myself home for the night.

Sometimes I love the drive all by myself. The night sky was beautiful tonight and traffic wasn't all that bad amazingly enough. Tonight was a time for thinking. Just another month and it will be a year since our lives fell apart with my mother's cancer. But looking at her today, her hair is thick and getting longer all the time. She's regaining more and more of her health each and every day. Maybe someday soon I'll be able to look at her without worrying anymore or feeling the need to see if she's doing alright. It's really hard to believe it's been almost a year. So much has changed, and yet there is an element of peace in the family once again.

And THAT is something well worth giving thanks for this Thanksgiving.

Be Over Already!

At this point, I just want 2010 to be over.

This is the year that has been such a mess for my family, particularly my mother. First the cancer diagnosis and the seemingly unending turmoil that brings, and then her mother's death (my grandma) all tied up into one. This morning, my mom received additional devastating news to add to the already torturous year.

Her best friend in the entire world passed away unexpectedly late last night.

They'd started out as co-workers, then lunch buddies, then somewhere along the way became dear friends. Even after Betty's retirement they continued to meet at least once a week for lunch. I finally had the pleasure of meeting Betty in person during my mother's cancer surgery and convalescence. I'm so sad it took so long and such tragic circumstances to finally have the opportunity to meet someone who meant so much to my mother.

And now she's gone.

Mom's concerned about the family and how they will manage with Betty gone. Rightfully so. She was the stalwart matriarch of the family - much like my mother is of ours. When I spoke to Mom this morning on the phone, she sounded a little shell-shocked. I kinda feel the same way for her.

Which is one reason I'm so ready to say a bitter farewell to 2010. May it rot in infamy.

The Cancer Journey

I've been giving more thought of late to the idea of moving forward with writing a book about my mom's cancer journey.

It's been quite interesting seeing the emotional roller coaster my mom has ridden on (along with a few of us standing by her side). In the beginning was fear of the unknown, the questionable mammogram, the emergency sonogram, the rushed biopsy.

The results.

Then came the inconsolable terror of the diagnosis, the sense of unreality, how this could be happening. Those days were such a blur, no sleep, constant worry, fear of the known and how to comprehend it all. Mom and Dad could hardly function and it took an army of us to band together to make sure we got to all of the appointments and scans, pre-op blood work and heart monitoring accomplished.

Before acceptance had much of a chance to take hold, Grandma passed away, further complicating an already emotional situation and weaving loss upon loss through all our hearts. It almost seemed like too much at the time.

Eventually a tentative acceptance hovered over her as Mom placed herself firmly in God's hands, so confused, so scared, but secure in the loving hands of the Father. Surgery came and she experienced loss of the breast, still intermingled with the loss of her mother, and we all grieved.

But grieving can be healing too.

She experienced the high of being free of detectable cancer cells in any lymph nodes but faced the reality of coming chemo treatments. Fear permeated again, but acceptance of the path laid before her came shortly upon its heels.

The first chemo treatment was a fright-filled event again, but each successive treatment has revealed a resiliency she probably didn't know she had. Once again, loss was experienced - this time her hair - but grieving and acceptance quickly moved her through those stages.

With the fourth chemo treatment, I was able to be present with her and saw a miraculous change in Mom's attitude. She walked into the facility like it was any other day, had all of her papers in tow, greeted everyone with a smile and got down to business without any assistance from anyone else. Then she picked out her chair and the day began.

What a change from the beginning stages of this journey!

Even though I know Mom doesn't like the chemo treatments and after effects, she knows their purpose, accepts what comes - but she also knows that this too shall pass and she'll be back on the road to better health and living life again very soon. Her attitude has become infectious and is an inspiration to everyone who comes in contact with her.

After all, she's only got two more chemo treatments left and then she'll be done. We're all wondering what her hair will look like once it starts to come back in.

And then where the next part of her journey will lead.

Descriptive Titles and Odd Writings

It's so odd.

This afternoon I spent some time looking at a few of my old blog posts, trying to remember what life was like before Mom's cancer and imagining what life will be once she's through this. What will the new "normal" be? It was a shock to realize that as of yesterday's posting, I've only had six total posts for all of 2010.

I used to post six times in one week!

Feeling terribly nostalgic about my writing tonight.

Part of it probably is because we had an old friend come to town this weekend, and our critique group members met with him for an early dinner Saturday evening. What fun! He asked if I'd been writing and got onto me when I told him no. But with having to prove myself all over again in a new position with a new firm, then my mom's diagnosis, my grandmother's death, and having no time much to even spend with my son, where was I going to dig up a few hours a night to do some writing?

But he's right. Digging into characters and bringing them to life on the pages of a good story idea gives my life such spark and energy - something I've been sorely lacking for about eight months now.

For the last three months, I've even given thought to writing a book about my mother's cancer journey. However, it's all been so fresh and raw of late and my mind has been engaged with just helping somehow to get her through each week that I don't know if I have it in me to wrap my mind around it enough to craft something interesting of it all right now.

Perhaps sometime down the road. Maybe a title like "When It Rains It Pours" or "Riding the Raging River Over the Torrential Waterfall Without a Paddle" (okay, maybe that one is a little too long, but VERY descriptive and rather appropriate too)...or maybe "Cancer - a Daughter's Journey Alongside Her Mother".

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Shrinking View

My worldview has shrunk greatly in the past month. At this moment in my life everything revolves around my mom.

After the initial shock of the cancer diagnosis and then my grandmother's death wore off, my mind immediately shifted into Mom focus. I doubt if that will let up for some time yet.

My gracious boss once again showed her true colors. Once the mastectomy was scheduled, I was allowed to buy ahead on my vacation time (even though I've not been there quite six months) and was able to spend an entire week with my mother, helping her recuperate. After arriving back home on a Wednesday night, we turned around and headed back Friday evening for Super Bowl weekend.

That initial Wednesday parting was enormously difficult after spending a whole week caring for my mother. I held it all together until driving down the block and turning the corner. Before I even hit the next stoplight, the tears were falling uncontrollably.

It's times like these I wish I lived closer to my parents.

Hard as it felt, this weekend we stayed home. My son had a school dance Friday night and then ended up having friends around pretty much all weekend. But Mom hasn't been far from my mind.

Tomorrow night after work, I'll once again hit the road to head to Oklahoma. Mom has her first oncology visit Wednesday and I want to be there for that too. Chemo is looming on the horizon and none of us are looking forward to seeing her have to go through that. But eventually this too shall pass.

There are no guarantees in life, but I love my mother dearly and hope to keep her around for as long as possible. Eventually life will resume and get back to normal. I'm sure my son will keep me just as busy for the next year, as he's approaching senior-hood.

But for now little else matters. It's Mom who deserves my focus. And that's as it should be.