Living A Full Life

So many wonderful things have taken place the last several months that at times I cannot believe they are happening. Makes me also wonder what God is up to. :-)

Last fall I had to make a difficult decision in my life, but since that time it seems God has opened up doorway after doorway and confirmed Himself all over again in the paths I'm walking.

Shortly after making said decision, I was asked to be a part of the praise team at my church. I've not had a place on the platform since 2000 due to having to back off of involvements to deal with life's difficulties and to be more available to my son during that time. Plus losing my voice capacity had a bit to do with it too. I've been back in choir now for five years with a new worship pastor but have maintained a background stance. Not sure what the catalyst was that prompted our worship pastor to take notice of me, but I'm so thankful he did because it feels absolutely incredible to be used once again in my heart's desire - music.

Then there was winning first place in the salon fair at my school, additional confirmation that I'm on the right track. The past month there have been so many situations where God has opened doors that have allowed me to share with a few of the girls at the school, one who fell away from Him in high school after the failings of their youth pastor were revealed. She and I have been talking extensively. I love being used by the Lord in such ways. It also shows me how this industry will allow me a front-row seat in God's arena.

Today my Sunday School leader asked me about sharing my testimony in class in a couple of weeks. Wow! Heavy load and I haven't shared like that in Lord knows how long. But my son is eighteen now and is living proof what a life sold out to God can accomplish even through the mistakes we make. My life has been dedicated to raising him and that part of my path-walk is rapidly drawing to a close.

So maybe the idea of opening my own salon is on the horizon. I'm still jiggling doorknobs in that regard to see if any are open at the present time. I'll walk through those doors as I can and share that journey with you as it develops.

My life feels very full at the moment - busy too! Makes me wonder what is coming up around the bend.

Life Worth Living

Had some really interesting happenings at school this week.

Now understand - I'm the old lady at school and as such have become like a mother figure to pretty much everyone there. Countless times I've had some of the girls come up to me and lay their wounds bare before me. It's become quite clear that school as well as this industry is fertile ground.

One of the girls recently came out on the floor from two months in the classroom. She is a young and quiet soul and has a tendency to keep to herself. Some of the more sanguine and extroverted girls have had a tendency to label her as a bit snooty or standoff'ish. For some reason, I've suspected that label to be misapplied in her case.

This week confirmed it.

Because of my "mom" status, I have a tendency to go around school to all of the stations and just touch base, comment, and encourage each student, especially as each new class enters the big, bad, scary world of live rehearsal on the floor. Working with mannequins is one thing - real, live human beings quite another. Tuesday this particular student talked with me for a few minutes. We made a connection.

Wednesday was my turn to run the desk (we take turns, though I seem to be on the desk ALOT - I wonder why). When it isn't busy, the desk person must stay at their assigned position but can sit on one of the sofas in the waiting area and study (and since we were on Anatomy and Physiology, I felt the study time would be most prudent - made a 100% by the way). This student came by on a break, sat down, and proceeded to open up to me about all of the hurtful things that were going on in her life at present - the death of her grandmother, her mom finding out about her dad's affair, and facing the return of a cheating boyfriend who wanted to try and get back together.

Needless to say, this young lady has an awful lot of trials going on in her life!

I'd hoped by just listening and sharing with her some of my own trials and how my faith in God has walked me through it all, it might give her hope and make some sort of difference.

Thursday morning she came to school beaming. She'd decided Wednesday night to stop in at a church she once attended and immediately reconnected with several old friends. She couldn't wait to tell me what had transpired.

She'll never know how uplifting it was for me to hear.

Sometimes we go about our Christian life never knowing if anything we do makes a difference. Where's the evidence that God is moving and working through our lives to touch others and bless them?

Perhaps on occasion, God gives us a small peek. That's what happened to me this week. In blessing someone else with just being there and being willing to be vulnerable, the Lord blessed me with the knowledge that He was still using this old instrument for His glory.

It makes life worth living - even on those days when you want to box the ears of those crazy youngsters.

The Cancer Journey

I've been giving more thought of late to the idea of moving forward with writing a book about my mom's cancer journey.

It's been quite interesting seeing the emotional roller coaster my mom has ridden on (along with a few of us standing by her side). In the beginning was fear of the unknown, the questionable mammogram, the emergency sonogram, the rushed biopsy.

The results.

Then came the inconsolable terror of the diagnosis, the sense of unreality, how this could be happening. Those days were such a blur, no sleep, constant worry, fear of the known and how to comprehend it all. Mom and Dad could hardly function and it took an army of us to band together to make sure we got to all of the appointments and scans, pre-op blood work and heart monitoring accomplished.

Before acceptance had much of a chance to take hold, Grandma passed away, further complicating an already emotional situation and weaving loss upon loss through all our hearts. It almost seemed like too much at the time.

Eventually a tentative acceptance hovered over her as Mom placed herself firmly in God's hands, so confused, so scared, but secure in the loving hands of the Father. Surgery came and she experienced loss of the breast, still intermingled with the loss of her mother, and we all grieved.

But grieving can be healing too.

She experienced the high of being free of detectable cancer cells in any lymph nodes but faced the reality of coming chemo treatments. Fear permeated again, but acceptance of the path laid before her came shortly upon its heels.

The first chemo treatment was a fright-filled event again, but each successive treatment has revealed a resiliency she probably didn't know she had. Once again, loss was experienced - this time her hair - but grieving and acceptance quickly moved her through those stages.

With the fourth chemo treatment, I was able to be present with her and saw a miraculous change in Mom's attitude. She walked into the facility like it was any other day, had all of her papers in tow, greeted everyone with a smile and got down to business without any assistance from anyone else. Then she picked out her chair and the day began.

What a change from the beginning stages of this journey!

Even though I know Mom doesn't like the chemo treatments and after effects, she knows their purpose, accepts what comes - but she also knows that this too shall pass and she'll be back on the road to better health and living life again very soon. Her attitude has become infectious and is an inspiration to everyone who comes in contact with her.

After all, she's only got two more chemo treatments left and then she'll be done. We're all wondering what her hair will look like once it starts to come back in.

And then where the next part of her journey will lead.

Life's Joys and Sorrows

My fellow readers - it has been too long. Glad to be getting back into the writing saddle, though I must admit I'm still not sure how regular I'll be.

Mom had her surgery the 27th of January. I was blessed to be able to spend the entire week with her to assist with recovery efforts. She's now in the full throes of chemo, has lost her hair, and after this third treatment recently is experiencing the fatigue we've only read about in other venues. Never thought I'd be so well versed in breast cancer and its various treatment regimens. Not sure I like being so, but I know it helps Mom with facing the unfaceable.

But life goes on and in a matter of months we'll have this phase behind her.

My son is nearing the end of his junior year in high school and decided that he was going to go to prom. I was thrilled to hear of it - he even asked a friend to go as his date and she accepted. For the last two weeks I've been bugging him to check with her on the color of her dress. Guys just don't understand that concept but I'm trying to give him little insights into the female psyche if he'll just pay attention.

So glory be, he asked her the color on Friday, just in time for his tux measurements and ordering today. He's going to be wearing this really neat style of tux with a black shirt and turquoise vest and tie. Pretty studly if you ask me - but then again, I'm only mom and he doesn't really ask me for that kind of input.

But as mom I offer it anyway. It's my prerogative (hey, isn't that a song?).

I also asked him if he thought they might enjoy my chauffeuring them to the red carpet in the RX.

What's that, you ask? Oh yes, that's right. With everything that's been going on of late I've never shared with you my Christmas present to myself.

Christmas Eve 2009, during the biggest snowstorm of the year, I bought myself a big bad new car.

Well it's not big but it sure is bad - velocity red, six-speed, suicide doors 2009 Mazda RX-8! That twin-rotor motor purrs more the harder you push the revs. We're talking it doesn't redline until 9,000 rpm's. Such a blast to drive! Just wish I had somewhere I could go and open her up full throttle without worrying about getting picked up by a policeman.

Hey, the insurance on the thing is bad enough already - certainly don't need to increase it with a ticket on my record. But I just can't help myself sometimes by pushing the envelope a little bit. Sure makes the drive to and from work alot of fun these days. With the driving back and forth to Oklahoma I've already racked up over nine thousand miles. I'd say she's just about broke-in.

So now my son has the old Protege to drive to and from school and pick up his date for prom. Feels a little weird at times, knowing my son is old enough to drive, not to mention date. Ugh!

But growing up is a part of life. I'm so glad he's participating in it and all the joys it can bring.

And sorrows - but joy comes once again in the morning. It'll come again for you too, Momma, and we can celebrate that time with you.

The Lines of Life

You know, this Facebook stuff my sister got me started on isn't so bad. No, I don't have alot of time to mess with it. My blog is the most important thing to me.

But it's been fun having a chance to "talk" to people I don't normally have time to shoot the breeze with. It's been an interesting walk down memory lane, touching base with people I haven't seen or talked to in twenty/twenty-five years.

My how time flies!

This evening I pulled out and got to looking at old photo albums, remembering who I once was and who I've now become.

There are some things about myself that I miss - maybe it's just because of the responsibilities I've borne for so many years. But for the most part, I like who I've become. I love being a mom. I really enjoy several of my deep friendships that took alot of pain and time to find.

Just had lunch today with one of my best friends and talked about some things with her I hadn't thought about in years. It was wonderful to be able to reminisce about parts of my life that she knew nothing about and yet she's seen those components in me in other ways I've lived my life around her.

Another of my friends is going through a dark valley experience right now. I can relate, even though the circumstances are completely different. Life has allowed me to take what I've learned and just be there for her and reassure her that she will come through this. Most of the time, that's all we truly need is just that person to reassure us that life is still good out there somewhere even though we're in the bad at the moment.

That's what I like about who I've become. It isn't so much what I've done as much as living life through and beyond the circumstances. It's made me strong, though it is true that sometimes being strong is exhausting. If I hadn't lived my life and become who I am today, I wouldn't BE who I am today.

And I have to admit - even through the pain and trials I don't think I'd change a thing. Otherwise I may have just turned out to be nothing more than a wet blanket or an empty smile.

Whereas now my smile is full and genuine and full of life.

And surrounded by the lines of life. :-)

Life Imitates Art

I just got through watching another Christmas movie.

Made me mad!

The story basically goes that a woman who is the wife of a wealthy developer suddenly finds herself divorced and out on the streets.

For months her husband had been acting like his business was going down the tube, putting on quite an act that money was hard to come by even for food and gas. So when he fesses up about the affair, she thinks she's getting a halfway decent end of the stick when he offers her $25,000 equity in their home to settle.

Later on she finds out it was all a sham. He ends up with the house, the successful business, the money, and the daughter.

She ends up mugged and homeless on the streets.

And this is a Christmas movie???

It all ended up very nice in the end. However, it was very hard for me to watch to get to that point.

See I watched a dear friend of mine live nearly this nightmare. Throughout her marriage to Attila-the-Hun, he basically made it out that they were always short of money. She borrowed maternity clothes for each of her pregnancies and gave him three beautiful children. She had to make a tight grocery budget stretch. You wouldn't believe what she went through, but she did it because she loved him.

Then he divorced her for another woman. At least in her case the attorney discovered money that he'd only tried to hide. Most likely there was more. Ended up also with a nice alimony and child support payment that was more than she was used to having. She had no idea he made that kind of income while they were married.

But then he ended up screwing up the kids for life and fought her tooth and nail for their allegiance. For the kids' sake, she capitulated to his every whim. She gave up the alimony payments to try to placate him. Then she ended up pretty much giving up her children to avoid the constant court battles. She couldn't afford the attorney every few months like he could.

Why do I tell you this??? Because in the end, she's fought to regain her dignity. She's gainfully employed in her dream profession as a professional musician. There's not alot of money in that, but how many people in this world can actually say they are pursuing their dream???

No she did not end up on the streets, but she's struggled to keep a roof over her head. The key is that she HAS done it. She's even regained custody of one of her daughters and her son. Yes, there's still problems, but she's dealing with them and not letting the past continue to dictate her future.

It's been a long, hard struggle for her, but everyday she makes greater strides toward complete independence. I'm so proud to call her my friend.

Congratulations, L! You are a beacon of hope for us all.

Enjoying The Journey

I've been sporting a bit of a headache the last few days, so we decided to take it easy this evening and watched a bit of TV. There was a show on TLC about Nanny Jenny, or some such or other. It made my headache worse.

The show surrounds a professional nanny coming into people's homes who have completely out-of-control children. The nanny has a few days to a week to begin the process of re-training the parents and setting some boundaries for the children. Yes, re-training the parents is the focus. Holy cow!

When my son was very little, I knew I needed to teach him proper behavior and expectations as young as possible. I figured he should learn them early before the cost to both him and me grew too great and he became an out-of-control teenager. I'm so glad I chose to invest in his future at that age.

During the two to three year old stage, I went through weeks at a time when he would test my patience and push as hard as he could. I'd come home from work and it would start immediately and would go into bedtime. Those weeks were so awful for me because I felt like the Wicked Witch from Hell, but I kept telling myself we'd eventually get through it. Kept telling myself that I was doing both him and myself a huge favor in the long run.

Now I look back on that past investment and already see enormous rewards and gains for my son. See, everything I did back then - yes, it helped me eventually, but in reality it was all for his benefit and to contribute enormously to his future.

Now I do admit, my son has been a good kid for most of his years. He's been pretty easy-going in most cases, but I wonder from time-to-time what he'd have become if I hadn't made those difficult decisions to discipline him when younger. He's got an incredibly bright future ahead of him. He'll be sixteen in less than two months. No mother could be more proud of where he's at right now.

Now I'm just along for the ride, enjoying the journey while it lasts. Git along, little doggie!